Why, yes, it has been two months.

To those that actually read this blog my sincerest apolgies on not keeping up with this. I have been wanting to write for a few weeks now but just did not feel like I had anything to say. What does one talk about when nothing has changed? When one feels stuck in a rut? When one feels as though the world is sort of closing in and yet moving on at the same time? I am still not sure yet here I sit typing.

Perhaps the biggest thing going on right now is the increasing size of my belly due to growing a child within. Michael told me today our baby is approximately the size of a mango. Silly, yet logical, to compare it to a fruit. This small person growing inside of me is about to change our reality, everything about our reality, and yet it still seems to far away and unreal. I sometimes lay in bed right before falling asleep and wonder if what I am feeling is our child moving around or just gas. If it is our baby moving around it feels just like gas and so thus far has yet to become a reality other than the stretch marks and numbers on the scale increasing at what seems like an astronomical rate. It is hard to anticipate all of the ways our lives will change and yet I know this is right because this is what God has in store for us.

For those of you that know me well, and those of you that can guess based on what is often described as a "sassy and independent" personality I am not the most patient person in the world. Recenlty, Michael pointed out to me the more we focus on our future and what God has in store in our next chapter the less we focus on the ministry that is here and now right in front of us. At least, he felt this to be true for himself. I do not feel this is true for me as I have finally gotten to a point where I can honestly say I feel like I am making a difference in the lives of some people I get to work with. Now, don't misunderstand, this is God using me as His instrument to be a servant for my foster parents and foster kids. But, unfortunately, Michael and I are at very different places in our "career" journies and he feels as though focusing too much on the next chapter has brought him to a place where he has lost track of the ministry in the here and now. Ok, so you want a moment of honesty? This is incredible frustrating when trying to plan the future and figure out how you will be taken care of in 6 months...and how we will take care of our child that is on the way. There is no stability, security or reassurance other than Michael telling me "We will be ok". While I do trust him, as a woman it is very very difficult to not immediately respond with "but how?!" For this, there is no answer but my Heavenly Father telling me to continue to be patient.

 There is nothing more scary than the unknown for me. I have always been a planner. No decision is made on a whim, especially one that effects other people I love. Waiting and taking life as it comes is just not my style. Control is my style. But, unfortunately, how do you argue with a God who's style is also control? Well dear friend, let me tell you from experience...you kick and scream and whine and cry and complain and then you surrender...daily. Yes thats right, daily. Because I don't know about you but I can't just surrender my control just once and wake up the next day in full submission. Haha, Heck no, techno, that's not my style either. So, each day I wake up and attempt to put confidence in this abyss known as the "unknown" because the "unknown" is not really unknown...it is just unknown to me, and to everyone except God. Well, this post has pretty much exhausted me for the night so I will end there. These are the thoughts that consume me lately and....

That's what's up...for now.