It's inevitable...a pregnancy blog.

So I know some of you are anxious to hear about the pregnancy and how the whole thing has gone and is going. Well here it is...

Around the middle of May I had my first ultrasound. It was a genetic screening they like to do to test for abnormalities and defects. They give you a big long explanation outlining all the bad things it can show and then sum it up by telling you that only a small percentage have these defects/abnormalities. Very reassuring...right. right? No, not at all actually. Kind of freaked me out because then I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I did this for about 3 days, in the midst of still hugging the toilet a few times a day mind you, and then after a good hormonal cry with the husband (meaning i blabbered and he hugged and kissed me) all was well and given to God because ultimately, I have no control anyway right? Right. Then the next week all the screens came back saying there was nothing wrong with our babe at this point. Though this whole process was scary and just down right annoying because I hate being an emotional mess it was also really awesome because I got to SEE the baby for the first time. I got to watch the little peanut roll around for about 30 minutes. It was so intense! All I could do was lay there in awe of God and the fact that I had this thing (because it doesn't quite hit you yet that it's a human being) growing inside of me. To say it was amazing is a severe understatement.

Since that ultrasound apt. the little peanut has literally invaded my body on every level. Physically and emotionally of course. But also spiritually and mentally. My pregnancy sickness (those who are lucky get to refer to this as morning sickness) finally subsided to a managable level at the end of May (I think). Slowly I went from throwing up 6-8 times a day down the scale and now I am at about 1-2 mornings a week and these are just one and done. I seem to have finally figured out what food the little peanut likes or will at least tolerate which was a huge victory! Whether it is a boy or girl it is for sure Michael's because the babe loves it some protein! Especially eggs and Arby's junior roast beef sandwiches. Oh, and dill pickles. Listen up ladies, if you are having a craving so bad you are yelling at your husband to bring you some food...while you are in the shower, you are either prego or nuts. Yes, this really did happen and yes, my wonderful husband did bring me a dill pickle to eat while I was in the shower. I think God made pregnant woman have cravings because He has an awesome sense of humor and everyone needs to have stories like these throughout the stress of pregnancy. Geez, that God of ours is one smart Creator! Then there is the inevitable hormonal rollercoaster. I have little to say about this except, get ready. It will happen! Men, read a book (Something with the words "men" "survival" and "pregnancy" in the title) and brace yourselves. Mentally God is molding Michael's and I's minds to begin thinking about adding another person to our life. This is easier for me as the whole pregnancy and having a child thing is much more real to me at this point. But, he is thinking, more than I ever realize, about what will change and how we will work it all out. And through it all, we are faithful. In some of my other blogs you have heard me say something along the lines of we don't have all the answers, but we know who does. This rings true yet again. Our faith as individuals as a couple and soon as a family has been our foundation and will remain so always.

So, as of now we are doing pretty well with this whole pregnancy/becoming parents thing. Sure we get overwhelmed but who doesn't? I don't feel like an adult most days and yet I look back and realize I am making "adult" decisions every day. My most important decision to follow Christ every day is the most important one I make and will be the one to pull me through all trials and tribulations. And through it all, we are SO blessed! If you are one of the people who have given me maternity clothes, books, advice, diapers, baby supplies or love just know how very grateful we are! We know without a shadow of doubt God has placed all of you in the life of our unborn child for a reason and we thank you for the role you have played thus far! Well I think this is all that was on my mind for today. Check out the link I posted on my facebook about things you don't tell pregnant woman...I found it entertaining and true at the same time.

That's what's up with me and the Little Peanut...for now.

Some food for my thoughts...and maybe for yours too.

This morning I was reading in 1 Corinthians 10 and found several things that were not necessarily new but are just good things to absorb and then be reminded of again, and for me be reminded of a  few times after that. 

Verses 12 and 13 talk about temptation. An interesting and wonderful metaphor was presented by a comentator regarding temptation-"Temptation works like rocks in a harbor; when the tide is low, everybody sees the danger and avoids it.  But Satan’s strategy in temptation is to raise the tide, and to cover over the dangers of temptation. Then he likes to crash you upon the covered rocks." Oh how true this is! How often are we enticed and tempted to sin based on the things that are attractive but then slammed over the rocks once we have given in? For me personally, this is so true with the temptation of food. Eating and body image has been a struggle of mine since I was early in my teens. What started out as just wanting to be healthy grew out of control by the time I was 17. God has brought healing and restoration to my life but food and the role it plays in my life is a consistent battle I fight even today. So, to go with the metaphor...how often do I give in to that piece of cake because I KNOW it will taste so good but then once it is in my stomach I begin to feel guilt and anger at myself for consuming all those unnecessary calories? Sometimes too often. Everyone's battle and temptation is different but the metaphor rings true for all. This is what the verses say "So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful: he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (NIV). Here is another great visual for you--when Satan knocks on the door of my heart I send Jesus to answer the door.  When Satan sees Jesus, he says, ‘OOPS, sorry, I must have the wrong house. I wish I could claim this as my own thought but, unfortunately, I must give credit to some clever internet author as I could not find the reference.

 I don't know about you but I am a worrier and I get overwhelmed very easily at times. The dramatic woman in me often questions how much more I can take. How refreshing to be reminded that God does not let Satan come into our lives in a way we can not handle. But how difficult to remember that God will provides the way out but we must seek Him in order to find it. I epicly fail at this much of the time...just ask my husband :-).

The other thing from 1 Corinthians 10 that stuck out to me were verses 23 and 24. I am sure many have heard them, especially in reference to food and alcohol. It says this, "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial." Let me interrupt for a second to say that in other translations besides the NIV the work lawful is substituted for the word permissible. Back to the scripture, "Everything is permissible (or lawful)--but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others."

Seemed too good not to share...

Hold onto your hats folks, two blogs in two days is a record for sure! Some things just need to be written for others to read. Even if the number of others is very small or even none at all.

I walked into the kitchen this morning to find a sink of dishes I had asked Michael three times to wash. Keep in mind these were his dishes, not mine, as I had done my own dishes and all of the other dinner dishes before I left to go babysit. Of course frustration was my first reaction. Then I came to this realization while in the shower after I did those dishes...One year of marriage has spiritually exhausted me and it is no one's fault but my own. Yeah, swallow that. And I did, after chewing on it for the better part of my morning.

My devotion this morning started in 1 Corinthians 8. This chapter is titled "Food sacrificed to Idols". Paul's first words refer to food but then he immediately goes into this, "Knowledge puffs up but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God." God said "boom, chew on that" to me this morning. To further that, in wanting to be sure I did not take this out of context I read a couple of commentaries and within one of them I read the statement "Without Holy affections all human knowledge is worthless" (Matthew Henry's concise commentary). Wow. I then journaled about how this applies to me and how to apply it to my marriage. Without going into a ton of detail as I am still processing God has used this to teach me something I believe will prove to be very important. So, while I continually screw up all the time at least I can say I heard what God had to say this morning. That is all.

That's what's up...for now.

Why, yes, it has been two months.

To those that actually read this blog my sincerest apolgies on not keeping up with this. I have been wanting to write for a few weeks now but just did not feel like I had anything to say. What does one talk about when nothing has changed? When one feels stuck in a rut? When one feels as though the world is sort of closing in and yet moving on at the same time? I am still not sure yet here I sit typing.

Perhaps the biggest thing going on right now is the increasing size of my belly due to growing a child within. Michael told me today our baby is approximately the size of a mango. Silly, yet logical, to compare it to a fruit. This small person growing inside of me is about to change our reality, everything about our reality, and yet it still seems to far away and unreal. I sometimes lay in bed right before falling asleep and wonder if what I am feeling is our child moving around or just gas. If it is our baby moving around it feels just like gas and so thus far has yet to become a reality other than the stretch marks and numbers on the scale increasing at what seems like an astronomical rate. It is hard to anticipate all of the ways our lives will change and yet I know this is right because this is what God has in store for us.

For those of you that know me well, and those of you that can guess based on what is often described as a "sassy and independent" personality I am not the most patient person in the world. Recenlty, Michael pointed out to me the more we focus on our future and what God has in store in our next chapter the less we focus on the ministry that is here and now right in front of us. At least, he felt this to be true for himself. I do not feel this is true for me as I have finally gotten to a point where I can honestly say I feel like I am making a difference in the lives of some people I get to work with. Now, don't misunderstand, this is God using me as His instrument to be a servant for my foster parents and foster kids. But, unfortunately, Michael and I are at very different places in our "career" journies and he feels as though focusing too much on the next chapter has brought him to a place where he has lost track of the ministry in the here and now. Ok, so you want a moment of honesty? This is incredible frustrating when trying to plan the future and figure out how you will be taken care of in 6 months...and how we will take care of our child that is on the way. There is no stability, security or reassurance other than Michael telling me "We will be ok". While I do trust him, as a woman it is very very difficult to not immediately respond with "but how?!" For this, there is no answer but my Heavenly Father telling me to continue to be patient.

 There is nothing more scary than the unknown for me. I have always been a planner. No decision is made on a whim, especially one that effects other people I love. Waiting and taking life as it comes is just not my style. Control is my style. But, unfortunately, how do you argue with a God who's style is also control? Well dear friend, let me tell you from experience...you kick and scream and whine and cry and complain and then you surrender...daily. Yes thats right, daily. Because I don't know about you but I can't just surrender my control just once and wake up the next day in full submission. Haha, Heck no, techno, that's not my style either. So, each day I wake up and attempt to put confidence in this abyss known as the "unknown" because the "unknown" is not really unknown...it is just unknown to me, and to everyone except God. Well, this post has pretty much exhausted me for the night so I will end there. These are the thoughts that consume me lately and....

That's what's up...for now.

Blogspot...my long lost friend

Greetings to you blogspot. It has been quite some time. My list of excuses? Where to start...

Well, to begin, for those that do not know by now Michael and I are expecting our first child in November. We found this out about a month ago. Were we surprised? Most definitely. Were we overjoyed? Of course. Are we scared? Duh, you bet. So, most of what has consumed my last three weeks of life has been simple: Work, sleep, and throwing up (sorry if this grosses you out). To say pregnancy has been difficult so far is an understatement. Pretty much, it is kicking my butt. It's so hard to believe something so very small can control my every move, all my energy, and my emotions. Ginger Ale and saltines are my best friends, along with my bed. My most favorite thing to hear is "It will all be worth it in the end" my least favorite thing to hear by now, "I never had morning sickness" followed by a sort of sympathetic giggle. Bleh. If you are one of these that have done that to me, no worries, you were forgiven long ago. And where has my wonderful husband been in all of this? Rubbing my back when I puke, sleeping on the couch so his snoring does not keep me from what little good sleep I get, going to the store about every other day, and holding me when I have a meltdown and don't think I can continue day after day feeling like I have the flu. For those of you that did not know, he is the bomb.com.

So, what else has gone on in "The crazy normalcy that is my life"? Welp, we did go to Salt Lake City the last week in March. I would be lying if I said we had some big spiritual epiphany while we were there. But, it was good to spend the week catching up with some friends, sight seeing and just having time to get away from the big O. It was great to meet with our friends who are already there doing campus ministry and to hear their input and also provide clarity to them as far as what has been on our hearts and minds. And what has been on our hearts and minds? Well, alot. Michael is trying to figure out what he may want to do for the rest of his life. Finish school? Do ministry as a career? Have a "secular" career and minister within that? These are all the things we consider. God has definitely been teaching us patience in all of this. I often remind Michael he is still only 21 years old and does not have to know tomorrow how he wants to spend the next 60 years. I am confident God will reveal things to us in His timing, not ours. So in the mean time we wait, sometimes more patiently than other times. So, while our time in Salt Lake was wonderful and we do love the city and the people and the culture, we are unsure if we will end up there or not. We feel like it is a good possibility but farther down on our path. So, while we have not received direct answers, we have in some ways, which is no clarity for anyone else but it does seem to be for us, lol. So, what we can do at this point is continue to seek God and do our best to be patient. I can only support my husband to the best of my ability and build him up when he is doubtful. He does the same for me so it works out well. Now I am just sort of rambling but I did not want the blogspot world to think we had died. So, I will leave you with the usual...

That's whats up...for now.

Here it is...

I guess in one regard I do not really know what to write but on the other hand...it is very evident God is working in our lives. For those that know us well we have been on a journey of trying to figure out what God has in store for us next. It has become evident to Michael he does not want to stay in Omaha. Now, I do not feel a huge need/desire to stay in Omaha, nor do I feel a huge need/desire to leave it. I do feel a desire to do the Lord's work. So, if my husband feels spiritual unrest in the Big "O" then I will follow that and pursue other paths with him. So, we ask, what's next?

God has put an interesting variety of thoughts into our heads. Michael has always loved California and so we have wondered if maybe we should look at pursuing something there. Another friend of ours has asked Michael to think about pursuing a ministry opportunity in Arkansas. And still, we think and wonder about Salt Lake City. Or the possiblity of something else that is not even on our radar yet. We have spent much of the last few weeks praying and asking God for things like patience, wisdom and discernment. He revealed to Michael the fact that we need to knock on any doors He places in front of us and seek after His desires for us, rather than our selfish desires. Easier said than done might I add. While I can't say we have necessarily mastered this (and who really has?), we have definitely been listening and seeking. In the past weeks I have been reading 1 Corinthians. As always, God has spoken to me in many different ways. The first came in 1 Corinthians 1:25- "For th foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." So I had to ask myself, "Why would I not want to submit to someone who has such great wisdom and power?"

Not only have we wondered where we are supposed to go, but we wonder what we are supposed to do. This is tricky. Our experience with being on staff in a church has taught us a lot. And through looking at our lives, especially for Michael, it has become increasingly clear that ministry is everywhere...It is in our apartment complex, it is at Jimmy John's, it is in the sweet little faces I work with every day.  This truth brings light but also more confusion. So for me I wonder if I am to stay working in the field I am in now or do I pursue my other love and passion of art? And for Michael, work in a church, go back to school, or something that has not even come to our minds yet? Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 2- "When I came to you, brothers, I did not come with eloquence or superior wisdom as I proclaimed to you the testimony about God. For I resolved to know nothing while I was with you except Jesus Christ and him crucified. I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling. My message and my preaching were not with wise and persuasive words, but with a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that your faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power." In one word...wow. Talk about honesty.

So, what have I learned on this part of our journey? Sheesh, where do I start? Um, ok, patience...for obvious reasons, our (Michael and I) "Are we there yet, I wanna know NOW" mentality is slowly changing. And by slowly I mean, a snail would beat us in a marathon, slowly. Ok so there is that. What else? For me, I am learning how to submit to my husband while still seeking God. Sometimes in trying to submit and follow Michael (which I have yet to master) I forget to ask God to reveal things to me as well and not just him. I think this journey has also taught some of our friends and family how to be confident and faithful in us. You see, we married young and we have been through our fair share of "mountains and valleys" as individuals as well as a couple. Somewhere in there for a few seconds we may have doubted ourselves which made others doubt our faith and devotion to God and His plan for us. So if you are reading this and you did doubt....while we appreciate your love and concern (because this is usually what these sort of doubts are rooted in), FEAR NOT.....We are seeking. And no, we do not have all the answers, but we know who does and He is the One we are turning to. So pray for us and let us know if we can pray for you!

That's what's up...for now.

Just not fair

There are days where my job can be simple, and there are days where it can be complicated. For obvious reasons I can not give details. What I can say is this...It's just not fair. Thinking about the things these sweet little faces have seen in their short lives is almost too much to bear at times. It is hard not to be angry at the parents who do not love their kids enough to protect them. Now, hear me out, everyone makes mistakes and that is why the Foster Care System give parents a chance to get their kids back. Good people have their children taken away at times. These people often realize their shortcomings, fix their mistakes, and get their kids back. Today is one of those days where I wish it happens more often. You see, some days I just feel as though no matter how much I love on these kids, support their foster parents, and work on their behalf nothing will get done. I guess I have been caught on a bad day. Today is one of those days where I can't help but ask God "Why?" Why do these sweet faces have to endure these things? These things that they have absolutely no control over. It's just not fair. Then the phrases like "everything happens for a reason come to mind". And, as much as I believe that and know it is true the heartache is still there. As much as I have faith that God will work through me and through our wonderful foster parents I can not help but be broken hearted for the things these sweet faces have endured. So, please pray, as I do daily, for these children. Pray for healing, for restoration, and for protection from the sins of others being inflicted upon them. Today my heart is heavy, tomorrow may be a different story. So, with a heavy but prayerful and hopeful heart I say,

Thats whats up...for now.

Journey

Recently, God has taken us (Michael and I) on a journey. Could I tell you what this journey is specifically? Not a chance. It really does not come down to a specific thing or path or reason. This is what we know: We do not feel called to stay in Omaha. In October we visited the wonderful state of Utah and spent time with friends and made a bunch of new friends as well. We began to feel like maybe, just maybe God was tugging on our hearts to pursue ministry in Salt Lake. When we returned to Omaha Michael applied to be a part of a ministry called Impact.

Now, before this goes too far I have to tell you about my husband. For those of you that know him, you know he is a people person. While large groups of people tend to exhaust me, they energize him. While I tend to be shy and introverted, he only knows the meaning of these words because he married me. His way of doing ministry is simple and beautiful...Build a relationship with someone no matter who or what they are. No strings attached, no hidden agenda. Every relationship he has is for real, with no expectations. Like I said, simple and beautiful. Something I can only hope to be half as good at as he is because I often let my judgements and my own agenda get in the way. He is my inspiration and I am so proud to call him my husband. Anyway, I could go on and on about him, but this post is specifically about our recent journey.

So, Michael applied to Impact to do Campus Ministry on the Campus of the University of Utah in Salt Lake City. Immediately, we began to dream and imagine what our life would be like in Salt Lake; the people we would work with and how we could use our gifts and abilities to do minstry together. At the same time we were thinking about these things so were our best friends (2 other couples), and by best friends I mean friends that are family and family that are friends. They were also pursuing impact.  But, God has other plans for us as Michael was not accepted into Impact and our friends were. I would be lying if I said this did not rock our world. I took this attitude of anger and bitterness and I questioned "Why would they not want my husband to be a part of their organization?" Keep in mind, as a wife, I sort of have this mentality of "If anyone is going to criticize him it's gonna be me." We began to question everything. Were we still supposed to pursue Salt Lake? If so, what would we do there? Then God brought to our attention the fact that we really needed to check our motives behind our reasons for going. Had we wanted to go simply because our dear friends were going? Do we really feel called to Salt Lake? These questions went through both of our minds over and over. These questions combined with bitterness at not being accepted took control of me. It became very difficult to be positive and supportive of my husband, and even our friends (we will call them family because really, they are).

Most recently we have been praying and searching a lot. Michael recently stumbled upon the common passage that states "ask and you shall receive, seek and you shall find, knock and the door will be opened unto you." He felt that God was challenging him to knock on any doors that presented themselves knowing that God would open the right one. We entertained the idea of going to California while still having Salt Lake City in our minds. I can honestly say we got to a point where we began to imagine and be okay with our path veering from the path of our family. This may sound like a small thing but it is not let me assure you. You see, I am stubborn and I don't like to let go of things. So this was a big deal for me. But, thus far, God has kept Salt Lake in our minds and we feel the need to go back and explore the city again without the prospect of Impact on the table for us. So, as of now, the last week in March we are road tripping to SLC to see our dear friends and hopefully find some discernment as to whether we are to become dwellers of the Valley.

So, this is where we are for now on our journey. We ask the question all the time, "What the heck are we supposed to do with our lives?" We don't know, but God does. Current and in the moment, we struggle with being patient and we struggle with not knowing when our family seems to know. But, I have come to love the phrase "The Journey is the Destination." It seems to define my life, especially my life since I met my husband. I often have to remind myself how we get there is just as if not more important than the destination. My eternal destination is Heaven, this much I know. As for the rest, God only knows. Some days this is comforting and, let's be honest, some days this is annoying. This is where I am, who knows about next week, or even tomorrow. So...

That's what's up...for now.

It begins

So, I suppose here begins my adventure in blogging. I guess it is journaling in some form as it does not much matter to me who follows this blog. I felt the need to just write down my thoughts and what better way to do so? So this blogspot will be for pretty much whatever I want, thoughts, feelings, plans, dreams and everything in between. Does not much matter as far as I am concerned.

Currently, my job title in this world is a Foster Care Specialist. Basically it means I get to work with wonderful foster parents who are doing minstry and making a difference in the lives of children who need the love of Jesus and parents they can count on. My foster parents and foster children are my inspiration as well as one of the many contributing factors that make my life normal yet crazy and interesting. So, that is my day job.

Off the clock I am a wife, sometimes a good one and sometimes not a good one. My husband would attest to both as I know without a shadow of a doubt he loves me more than everything and everyone except Jesus. He puts up with me and all that entails, which can be a lot, especially when Aunt Flow comes to visit. Those close to me would tell you  Michael and I are pretty much polar opposites. We are volatile and often ridiculous. We have often been told we are weird because we do silly and crazy things. Our relationship is very much God's and ours and no one else's.

Also off the clock I am an artist. I fell in love with pottery when I was in High School. In High School I struggled with a dilemma of whether to pursue art school or minstry. God won out in that battle but has since brought art, particularly pottery back into my life. You see, my husband, knowing my love of art and pottery saved extra money for many months and bought me a pottery wheel for Christmas this last year. It has become my most favorite hobby. But more than that it has become my creative outlet and fills a spiritual void that has been empty for the last five years. Not that it is a replacement for God and my faith; quite the opposite, it is my means of connecting with The Father I love so very much. Those who are artists in any form know exactly what I am talking about.

In case you had not picked up on this fact...my faith is the most important thing to me in this world. I say in this world because I know my time on this earth is one grain of sand compared to the eternity I will spend in Heaven. Now, don't misunderstand, I struggle with my faith on a regular basis. I don't read my bible or pray like I should and I often defer to anger rather than love. But, at the very root of my life is my faith. Yes, it is how I was raised but above that it is the one thing I can not imagine my life without. Of course living without other people would be awful...but possible. So, though my faith is my greatest challenge it is also the core of who I am...strange statement. These are my thoughts and this is my prayer: Lord, give me the courage to look inside myself and see the things I need to change. Let everything, truly everything, in my life be guided by you.

That's what's up...for now.