Quarter century thoughts

Yesterday I turned 25. Quarter century...halfway between the teenage years and 30. Don't worry, this isn't going to be a dramatic post about how I feel ancient. It's not that at all. I sort of spent yesterday analyzing and reflecting on my life so far...insert lecture from all of you in older generations that will say "You are just getting started", "Your life is far from over" etc etc blah blah blah....ok people, I know this, that doesn't mean I can write about how I feel about my life right now. It's not like I am writing to say "MY LIFE IS OVER!!!" or something like that. Um, hello, have I ever been that dramatic?

In my 25 years of life I have been through my fair share of trials (no more than most though). I am what most people would call "normal". I am a child of divorce and a blended family, while I had friends in school I pretty much hated High School and couldn't wait to get out (details are irrelevant), I went away to college and got my BA in Family Life and Counseling, got married, got a job in my field and had a baby. As I type it I feel as though I am typing a checklist. This was never the way I approached life, especially after High School. While I was never opposed to dating it was never a high priority, I dated exactly one boy in High School and after being dumped on Valentine's Day I did not date again until I met Michael. He was my "first" everything (except hand hold)...my first kiss, my first love, the first boy I cried over, my husband, and the first (let's be adults here) man I slept with. I don't regret any of this and though he drives me crazy I am incredibly in love with him in a way that many people, even those close to me, don't fully understand. So, as I stated above, this paragraph proves I am pretty "normal", possibly even boring by some standards. As I was coming up on my birthday I was looking into the lives of those I graduated with and observing some pretty exciting things...some of those people have done some crazy, amazing, wonderful things. Then came the "comparing" thoughts. And maybe my life is not as exciting or interesting as some of theirs. But let me tell you about my life from the non-check list perspective, or rather, let me remind myself about my life from the non-check list perspective...I have not two but four parents that love me very much, though they are incredibly different they make up a world of love and support for me. Though my step parents came into my life at different times they are very much a part of who I am today. And, even though divorce is never easy and there was a time that I felt more hate than love the whole experience has made me who I am today. The trials that were brought on in my teenage years also contributed to making me the person I am. I chose to go to a college where I was loved and accepted and met the love of my life. There I met a few that are my best friends and I learned a lot about relationships and how life works. There I met the man who is now my husband. He is challenging, exciting, loving, crazy and compassionate. He is a protector, a provider and, let's be honest, sometimes a pain in the butt (who isn't though, right?). He is the person that is willing to learn and strives to be pursuing something and he encourages me to do the same. Someday there will need to be a separate blog just for him and our journey. So, after NCC I graduated and got a job working in foster care. Now, unless you work in foster care or have been in the system in the last few years you probably don't know as much about it as you think. I strive to approach my job with love, compassion and support and recently I have been told by more than one person that they appreciate me and think I am doing a good job (truly a blessing). I get the opportunity to support families and love on kids...and I get to do it for a living. Is it incredibly difficult at times? Yes. Do I love it? Yes. In this season of my life that is priceless. Moving on, Declan....quite possibly the coolest kid on the planet. And, while we were not planning on having children as early as we did, he is the biggest blessing and, some days, the only reason I hold it together. This blog is getting long because of all these things going on in my life, so maybe....I am not as boring as I thought. But if all these things above are what defines boring then I am ok with being boring.

I am mother, wife, daughter, friend, foster care specialist, chef, chauffeur, personal planner and organizer, laundry service, cleaning lady, doctor-mom, supporter, encourager, accountant and budgeter, playmate, and lover. I am blessed.

Everyone has thoughts, everyone has a story, this is a small tidbit of mine. What's your's?

That's what's up...for now.

First world problems...who is this crazy person?

We are a culture obsessed with technology, I know, I know you're saying "tell me something I don't know". Wanna know how I have come to terms with this realization? Our internet has been out at our house for the last few days. For the Struthers family this mean no pinterest, no netflix, no xbox live....WHAAAAAT?!?!?!?!?!?! Sure, I can use my phone with my limited internet access, that sounds like a brilliant idea. Or not. Besides, who wants to look at that tiny screen for a long period of time? Not this girl. As I was saying, the internet being out has caused me to rethink how I spend my time. I don't even consider myself one of those people that is always on their phone or obsessed with social media. Sure, I am on facebook a few times a day but I am not as bad as "that one girl". So, why am I regularly thinking about what to post on my facebook status or twitter, or making sure I take a picture to post on facebook or, and this is the worst one, "OMG, that person defriended me on facebook!!!" Who is this person?  Five years ago I would have said, "I don't need a smart phone" and now, let's be honest, I could not survive the perils of this world without my Iphone...and I don't even have SIRI!!! When was the last time I read a book? More importantly, when was the last time I read my bible? Wellllll, I read my bible on my phone, that counts...right...yes...maybe? Maybe for some it is the same thing, but not for me.

I'm not really sure where I am going with these thoughts other than I have resolved to pick up a book more often. Now, will the modem that is the nemesis behind our internet outage be replaced in the near future? Duh, of course. But, this internet outage has definitely been a reminder of a few things. For one, how dependent we are on technology (and how scary that thought is) and also how we of this generation need to remember that happiness exists outside of twitter, facebook, instagram and Safari. Well, if you are reading this, maybe it might be a good idea to ponder what you would do without technology. Food for thought. Or maybe just food for my thoughts. Blessings to you in your conclusions about technology.

That's what's up...for now.

Controversial "mommy" thoughts

Recently I have been contemplating my thoughts about working mothers vs. stay at home mothers. Controversial right? I know, which is why when I say recently that actually means months. However, I blog to write down my thoughts so this is my attempt. Feel free to share any opinions you have but bear in mind I have no intentions of offending anyone, this is just an expression of conclusions I have reached and an expression of what is best for my family.

I returned to work when Declan was just 6 weeks old, tried to nurse for the first two weeks and then resolved to just start pumping all the time. So, what would be my "normal" began when Declan was just 8 weeks old and my best friend (the pump) and I went back to work.. At this point I could go into this long drawn out explanation of how crazy our lives were because of our schedules...all of this true. Looking back, I'm not quite sure how we survived, but we did. Anyway, no more details of that aspect as this blog is more geared towards my thoughts about stay at home motherhood vs. working motherhood.

I have been contemplating this questions recently, "If we could afford for me to stay at home, would I want to?" My honest answer, I just don't know. Now, you SAHMs just simmer down for a minute, I know this may sound selfish but walk this thought path with me  before you start cursing me in your heads. Maybe another way to ask the question is this way "If I was a SAHM would I feel fulfilled?" I am not sure about this answer. IF I had to guess I think I would say "no". And maybe this sounds selfish too...shouldn't being with my baby boy ALL the time be enough to keep me fulfilled? Shouldn't cooking and cleaning and maintaing my household bring me enough fulfillment? While I can't say for sure because I have never been a SAHM I don't think I would be at my best. While my job is stressful and can be emotionally exhausting it also brings me a large amount of fulfillment and I feel as though my family benefits from this. My job as a foster care specialist is my ministry, kids and families are my passion and I feel as though I have an opportunity to have  a small hand in making a difference from time to time in doing this job. And thus the desire within me to use my education to do this ministry is a part of who I am. Also, I firmly believe my time away from Declan makes me cherish the time I do have with him that much more. And no, I'm not saying you SAHMs don't cherish your children. And as for the whole maintaining the household thing....well, see, I don't worry about that so much. Ask anyone that comes to my house regularly...it is usually pretty clean and organized. And ask my husband how many home cooked meals he enjoys in a week (if he tells the truth he would say at least 5).

 My conclusion from all these thoughts is this, if I was presented with an opportunity to work part time I probably would do it but the reality is that right now its just not an option for us; I need to be working right now. And that statement begs a whole different question "How do you define need?" Michael works very hard and makes a decent salary so, could we defer our student loans, pay the minimum payment on everything, never go out with friends or family and eat much cheaper? Probably so. But, after thinking about this for months I have come to the conclusion that is not what is best for our family. What is best for our family is for us to get out of debt before we are 40. Let me just take a quick side note here and say that if you have chosen to scale back your spending significantly so that you can stay at home that is totally cool and I have utmost respect for you as a person, wife and mother. . I am simply saying that is not what I feel is best for my family.

As I sit here I am pondering if I should even post this blog, this is now the 5th time over the course of 3 days that I have returned it and tweaked it in such a way to get my thoughts across without offending anyone that might happen to read it. If you did take offense please believe that it was not my intent to offend you in any way. I feel there is a lot of judgements surrounding this issue, at times some of those judgements have been my own. You see, sometimes I fail to understand the SAHMs of this world. Sometimes I find myself asking questions such as "what do they do all day?" And you SAHMs would have wonderful answers, logically I know this. I think my judgemental side kicks in when my doubtful side kicks in. Then God and I have a good conversation and I examine things from a proper perspective and realize the answers to questions like the one above don't really matter because that is what that particular mother and family has decided is best for them. So, I guess this seems like a really good place to end this blog. I know posting this opens me up for you all to share your opinions. Feel free to do so but do it with pure intentions.

That's what's up...for now. 

Revenge and perseverance

Part 1: The lesson

"Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good" Romans 12:21

"Dear Lord, please help me not to harbor resentment and bitterness in my heart. Through the power of the Holy Spirit, enable me to let go of my bitterness and forgive those who have hurt me.

Revenge imprisons us; forgiveness sets us free"

I have seen first hand how awful bitterness and resentment can be...and not for the person who committed the trespass but for the person that can not forgive. Isn't it interesting that we can be so angry and have so many emotions towards someone and they can have no clue? It is such a huge amount of effort for no purpose at all. And what about for those people who it does effect our relationship with? When I am unable to let go of things in my marriage they build up until they blow up...and that is exhausting. So, I pray the prayer above.

Part 2: Genuine love

Genuine love is a master of reconciliation. If a couple decides they are in it no matter what, that divorce or separation is not an option then what choice do they have but to work things out? If genuine love exists it desires for the other to have complete fulfillment in the relationship.

Motivation and a donkey

Part 1: Love is Life's motivator:

Read 1 Corinthians 13. In verses 4-7 replace the words "love" or "it" with your first name. Here goes...

Leah is patient and kind; Leah does not envy or boast; Leah is not arrogant or rude. Leah does not insist on her own way; Leah is not irritable or resentful; Leah does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Leah bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things endures all things.

And how many of those statements are true? Ok, how many of them are true all the time??? err...ummm...ehhhh...yeah. Especially on that "own way" part. Boom...roasted.

Part 2: unstoppable

So, that story in Numbers about Balaam and his donkey. Apparently, I wasn't listening that day in OT survey. Anyway, what a great lesson God taught Balaam. And that poor donkey, probably got kicked until his ribs were bruised just because he saw the angel. What a good illustration of how we can get in our own way. "...not every obstacle is meant to be overcome. Some are placed by God to keep us from doing something foolish. When our plans are hindered, we shouldn't assume that it's Satan trying to stop us. It might be God trying to protect us."

Well here's a question, how do we know when it's the good guy and when it's the bad guy? At what point are we to know when we are acting on faith and pressing on through tribulation? Or when we are being dumb little children who are stubborn and think we know better than God? Good question brain...good question.

Love and Red Tape

Part 1: Love

"The absence of love leaves a devastating void. When it is not present, your spirituality becomes superficial, your benevolent deeds self-centered, and your sacrifices insincere." Love is central to everything: Our life with Christ, our relationships on this earth and in general the way we approach every person in every situation. How the world would be different if we all walked in love all the time. But, we are human. And me? Well, I fail incessantly.

Pray: "Lord teach me what real love is and make me a loving person."

Part 2: Red Tape

"Remember, when your heart is hurting, you don't have to cut through a lot of red tape to present your needs to God. Through Christ, we have full and immediate access."

Well, can't really argue with that. My only thoughts...I am so incredibly grateful.

The bitter pill of ordinary.

That moment when you feel like you have nothing to say that someone hasn't already said? Yeah, I'm there. But hey, who cares? Being consistent with this blogging has proven to be difficult. At one point I thought I could commit to it but obviously...life happens. Pregnancy becomes new motherhood which becomes working-new-motherhood and before I knew it Declan was one and I was one of those "boring" people just living life and going through the motions of my life. Some weeks good, some weeks rough. Then, just when I start to feel like my life is incredibly boring and lame...Friday came and I thought about everything going on and all I did in the last week and then...I fall asleep, lol. To say I am busy is an understatement but, then again, isn't that true for all of us?

Recently my life has been full of ups and downs and I would love to be able to say something profound here about what God has taught me but I don't feel like I have figured it out yet. I can only speculate. God may be teaching me how to be a better wife and mother, and from that point there is several rabbit trails of lessons including patience, communication and of course some mad cooking skills ;-) God may be teaching me how to be close with people and admit that I need people because if I don't admit it I walk an empty path of loneliness. God may be reminding me that everything we have comes from Him and that we MUST be good stewards of what He blesses us with. Each of these lessons has a whole mess of stories that could support why God might be teaching me that particular thing. Forgive me for being a bit vague with that statement I just don't have the time or patience to type each thing out.

So, as I sit here and ponder all of those possible lessons and look back on the last year or so I am realizing several things. First, I am blessed. Blessed to have a job that blesses me and brings me great fulfillment even though it is emotionally exhausting. Blessed to have a wonderful husband who does whatever it takes to provide for his family. Blessed to have a healthy beautiful and slightly ornery toddler. And so many more blessings I could list. Second, though my life is crazy and busy it is ordinary. This realization is bitter sweet. Bitter because I think all of us have a desire to be...what's the word...amazing? We desire our lives to be this great adventure filled with excitement, love and spontaneity. But my life is filled with work, cooking, cleaning and going to bed before 11:30 most nights (I know, so lame right?). But, this ordinary life that I live is also sweet because it is filled with lots of love, lots of smiles and lots of chances. I have so many chances to be a blessing and unfortunately I miss many of them, but when I do catch them...amazing. And just maybe, looking for those chances rather than being focused on myself is how I can go about having that great amazing adventure of a life. Yep, I will ponder that and pray God gives me the strength to live my life this way.

That's what's up...for now.