Love and Red Tape

Part 1: Love

"The absence of love leaves a devastating void. When it is not present, your spirituality becomes superficial, your benevolent deeds self-centered, and your sacrifices insincere." Love is central to everything: Our life with Christ, our relationships on this earth and in general the way we approach every person in every situation. How the world would be different if we all walked in love all the time. But, we are human. And me? Well, I fail incessantly.

Pray: "Lord teach me what real love is and make me a loving person."

Part 2: Red Tape

"Remember, when your heart is hurting, you don't have to cut through a lot of red tape to present your needs to God. Through Christ, we have full and immediate access."

Well, can't really argue with that. My only thoughts...I am so incredibly grateful.

The bitter pill of ordinary.

That moment when you feel like you have nothing to say that someone hasn't already said? Yeah, I'm there. But hey, who cares? Being consistent with this blogging has proven to be difficult. At one point I thought I could commit to it but obviously...life happens. Pregnancy becomes new motherhood which becomes working-new-motherhood and before I knew it Declan was one and I was one of those "boring" people just living life and going through the motions of my life. Some weeks good, some weeks rough. Then, just when I start to feel like my life is incredibly boring and lame...Friday came and I thought about everything going on and all I did in the last week and then...I fall asleep, lol. To say I am busy is an understatement but, then again, isn't that true for all of us?

Recently my life has been full of ups and downs and I would love to be able to say something profound here about what God has taught me but I don't feel like I have figured it out yet. I can only speculate. God may be teaching me how to be a better wife and mother, and from that point there is several rabbit trails of lessons including patience, communication and of course some mad cooking skills ;-) God may be teaching me how to be close with people and admit that I need people because if I don't admit it I walk an empty path of loneliness. God may be reminding me that everything we have comes from Him and that we MUST be good stewards of what He blesses us with. Each of these lessons has a whole mess of stories that could support why God might be teaching me that particular thing. Forgive me for being a bit vague with that statement I just don't have the time or patience to type each thing out.

So, as I sit here and ponder all of those possible lessons and look back on the last year or so I am realizing several things. First, I am blessed. Blessed to have a job that blesses me and brings me great fulfillment even though it is emotionally exhausting. Blessed to have a wonderful husband who does whatever it takes to provide for his family. Blessed to have a healthy beautiful and slightly ornery toddler. And so many more blessings I could list. Second, though my life is crazy and busy it is ordinary. This realization is bitter sweet. Bitter because I think all of us have a desire to be...what's the word...amazing? We desire our lives to be this great adventure filled with excitement, love and spontaneity. But my life is filled with work, cooking, cleaning and going to bed before 11:30 most nights (I know, so lame right?). But, this ordinary life that I live is also sweet because it is filled with lots of love, lots of smiles and lots of chances. I have so many chances to be a blessing and unfortunately I miss many of them, but when I do catch them...amazing. And just maybe, looking for those chances rather than being focused on myself is how I can go about having that great amazing adventure of a life. Yep, I will ponder that and pray God gives me the strength to live my life this way.

That's what's up...for now.

It's inevitable...a pregnancy blog.

So I know some of you are anxious to hear about the pregnancy and how the whole thing has gone and is going. Well here it is...

Around the middle of May I had my first ultrasound. It was a genetic screening they like to do to test for abnormalities and defects. They give you a big long explanation outlining all the bad things it can show and then sum it up by telling you that only a small percentage have these defects/abnormalities. Very reassuring...right. right? No, not at all actually. Kind of freaked me out because then I started thinking about all the things that could go wrong. I did this for about 3 days, in the midst of still hugging the toilet a few times a day mind you, and then after a good hormonal cry with the husband (meaning i blabbered and he hugged and kissed me) all was well and given to God because ultimately, I have no control anyway right? Right. Then the next week all the screens came back saying there was nothing wrong with our babe at this point. Though this whole process was scary and just down right annoying because I hate being an emotional mess it was also really awesome because I got to SEE the baby for the first time. I got to watch the little peanut roll around for about 30 minutes. It was so intense! All I could do was lay there in awe of God and the fact that I had this thing (because it doesn't quite hit you yet that it's a human being) growing inside of me. To say it was amazing is a severe understatement.

Since that ultrasound apt. the little peanut has literally invaded my body on every level. Physically and emotionally of course. But also spiritually and mentally. My pregnancy sickness (those who are lucky get to refer to this as morning sickness) finally subsided to a managable level at the end of May (I think). Slowly I went from throwing up 6-8 times a day down the scale and now I am at about 1-2 mornings a week and these are just one and done. I seem to have finally figured out what food the little peanut likes or will at least tolerate which was a huge victory! Whether it is a boy or girl it is for sure Michael's because the babe loves it some protein! Especially eggs and Arby's junior roast beef sandwiches. Oh, and dill pickles. Listen up ladies, if you are having a craving so bad you are yelling at your husband to bring you some food...while you are in the shower, you are either prego or nuts. Yes, this really did happen and yes, my wonderful husband did bring me a dill pickle to eat while I was in the shower. I think God made pregnant woman have cravings because He has an awesome sense of humor and everyone needs to have stories like these throughout the stress of pregnancy. Geez, that God of ours is one smart Creator! Then there is the inevitable hormonal rollercoaster. I have little to say about this except, get ready. It will happen! Men, read a book (Something with the words "men" "survival" and "pregnancy" in the title) and brace yourselves. Mentally God is molding Michael's and I's minds to begin thinking about adding another person to our life. This is easier for me as the whole pregnancy and having a child thing is much more real to me at this point. But, he is thinking, more than I ever realize, about what will change and how we will work it all out. And through it all, we are faithful. In some of my other blogs you have heard me say something along the lines of we don't have all the answers, but we know who does. This rings true yet again. Our faith as individuals as a couple and soon as a family has been our foundation and will remain so always.

So, as of now we are doing pretty well with this whole pregnancy/becoming parents thing. Sure we get overwhelmed but who doesn't? I don't feel like an adult most days and yet I look back and realize I am making "adult" decisions every day. My most important decision to follow Christ every day is the most important one I make and will be the one to pull me through all trials and tribulations. And through it all, we are SO blessed! If you are one of the people who have given me maternity clothes, books, advice, diapers, baby supplies or love just know how very grateful we are! We know without a shadow of doubt God has placed all of you in the life of our unborn child for a reason and we thank you for the role you have played thus far! Well I think this is all that was on my mind for today. Check out the link I posted on my facebook about things you don't tell pregnant woman...I found it entertaining and true at the same time.

That's what's up with me and the Little Peanut...for now.

Some food for my thoughts...and maybe for yours too.

This morning I was reading in 1 Corinthians 10 and found several things that were not necessarily new but are just good things to absorb and then be reminded of again, and for me be reminded of a  few times after that. 

Verses 12 and 13 talk about temptation. An interesting and wonderful metaphor was presented by a comentator regarding temptation-"Temptation works like rocks in a harbor; when the tide is low, everybody sees the danger and avoids it.  But Satan’s strategy in temptation is to raise the tide, and to cover over the dangers of temptation. Then he likes to crash you upon the covered rocks." Oh how true this is! How often are we enticed and tempted to sin based on the things that are attractive but then slammed over the rocks once we have given in? For me personally, this is so true with the temptation of food. Eating and body image has been a struggle of mine since I was early in my teens. What started out as just wanting to be healthy grew out of control by the time I was 17. God has brought healing and restoration to my life but food and the role it plays in my life is a consistent battle I fight even today. So, to go with the metaphor...how often do I give in to that piece of cake because I KNOW it will taste so good but then once it is in my stomach I begin to feel guilt and anger at myself for consuming all those unnecessary calories? Sometimes too often. Everyone's battle and temptation is different but the metaphor rings true for all. This is what the verses say "So if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don't fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful: he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." (NIV). Here is another great visual for you--when Satan knocks on the door of my heart I send Jesus to answer the door.  When Satan sees Jesus, he says, ‘OOPS, sorry, I must have the wrong house. I wish I could claim this as my own thought but, unfortunately, I must give credit to some clever internet author as I could not find the reference.

 I don't know about you but I am a worrier and I get overwhelmed very easily at times. The dramatic woman in me often questions how much more I can take. How refreshing to be reminded that God does not let Satan come into our lives in a way we can not handle. But how difficult to remember that God will provides the way out but we must seek Him in order to find it. I epicly fail at this much of the time...just ask my husband :-).

The other thing from 1 Corinthians 10 that stuck out to me were verses 23 and 24. I am sure many have heard them, especially in reference to food and alcohol. It says this, "Everything is permissible"--but not everything is beneficial." Let me interrupt for a second to say that in other translations besides the NIV the work lawful is substituted for the word permissible. Back to the scripture, "Everything is permissible (or lawful)--but not everything is constructive. Nobody should seek his own good, but the good of others."

Seemed too good not to share...

Hold onto your hats folks, two blogs in two days is a record for sure! Some things just need to be written for others to read. Even if the number of others is very small or even none at all.

I walked into the kitchen this morning to find a sink of dishes I had asked Michael three times to wash. Keep in mind these were his dishes, not mine, as I had done my own dishes and all of the other dinner dishes before I left to go babysit. Of course frustration was my first reaction. Then I came to this realization while in the shower after I did those dishes...One year of marriage has spiritually exhausted me and it is no one's fault but my own. Yeah, swallow that. And I did, after chewing on it for the better part of my morning.

My devotion this morning started in 1 Corinthians 8. This chapter is titled "Food sacrificed to Idols". Paul's first words refer to food but then he immediately goes into this, "Knowledge puffs up but love builds up. The man who thinks he knows something does not yet know as he ought to know. But the man who loves God is known by God." God said "boom, chew on that" to me this morning. To further that, in wanting to be sure I did not take this out of context I read a couple of commentaries and within one of them I read the statement "Without Holy affections all human knowledge is worthless" (Matthew Henry's concise commentary). Wow. I then journaled about how this applies to me and how to apply it to my marriage. Without going into a ton of detail as I am still processing God has used this to teach me something I believe will prove to be very important. So, while I continually screw up all the time at least I can say I heard what God had to say this morning. That is all.

That's what's up...for now.

Why, yes, it has been two months.

To those that actually read this blog my sincerest apolgies on not keeping up with this. I have been wanting to write for a few weeks now but just did not feel like I had anything to say. What does one talk about when nothing has changed? When one feels stuck in a rut? When one feels as though the world is sort of closing in and yet moving on at the same time? I am still not sure yet here I sit typing.

Perhaps the biggest thing going on right now is the increasing size of my belly due to growing a child within. Michael told me today our baby is approximately the size of a mango. Silly, yet logical, to compare it to a fruit. This small person growing inside of me is about to change our reality, everything about our reality, and yet it still seems to far away and unreal. I sometimes lay in bed right before falling asleep and wonder if what I am feeling is our child moving around or just gas. If it is our baby moving around it feels just like gas and so thus far has yet to become a reality other than the stretch marks and numbers on the scale increasing at what seems like an astronomical rate. It is hard to anticipate all of the ways our lives will change and yet I know this is right because this is what God has in store for us.

For those of you that know me well, and those of you that can guess based on what is often described as a "sassy and independent" personality I am not the most patient person in the world. Recenlty, Michael pointed out to me the more we focus on our future and what God has in store in our next chapter the less we focus on the ministry that is here and now right in front of us. At least, he felt this to be true for himself. I do not feel this is true for me as I have finally gotten to a point where I can honestly say I feel like I am making a difference in the lives of some people I get to work with. Now, don't misunderstand, this is God using me as His instrument to be a servant for my foster parents and foster kids. But, unfortunately, Michael and I are at very different places in our "career" journies and he feels as though focusing too much on the next chapter has brought him to a place where he has lost track of the ministry in the here and now. Ok, so you want a moment of honesty? This is incredible frustrating when trying to plan the future and figure out how you will be taken care of in 6 months...and how we will take care of our child that is on the way. There is no stability, security or reassurance other than Michael telling me "We will be ok". While I do trust him, as a woman it is very very difficult to not immediately respond with "but how?!" For this, there is no answer but my Heavenly Father telling me to continue to be patient.

 There is nothing more scary than the unknown for me. I have always been a planner. No decision is made on a whim, especially one that effects other people I love. Waiting and taking life as it comes is just not my style. Control is my style. But, unfortunately, how do you argue with a God who's style is also control? Well dear friend, let me tell you from experience...you kick and scream and whine and cry and complain and then you surrender...daily. Yes thats right, daily. Because I don't know about you but I can't just surrender my control just once and wake up the next day in full submission. Haha, Heck no, techno, that's not my style either. So, each day I wake up and attempt to put confidence in this abyss known as the "unknown" because the "unknown" is not really unknown...it is just unknown to me, and to everyone except God. Well, this post has pretty much exhausted me for the night so I will end there. These are the thoughts that consume me lately and....

That's what's up...for now.

Blogspot...my long lost friend

Greetings to you blogspot. It has been quite some time. My list of excuses? Where to start...

Well, to begin, for those that do not know by now Michael and I are expecting our first child in November. We found this out about a month ago. Were we surprised? Most definitely. Were we overjoyed? Of course. Are we scared? Duh, you bet. So, most of what has consumed my last three weeks of life has been simple: Work, sleep, and throwing up (sorry if this grosses you out). To say pregnancy has been difficult so far is an understatement. Pretty much, it is kicking my butt. It's so hard to believe something so very small can control my every move, all my energy, and my emotions. Ginger Ale and saltines are my best friends, along with my bed. My most favorite thing to hear is "It will all be worth it in the end" my least favorite thing to hear by now, "I never had morning sickness" followed by a sort of sympathetic giggle. Bleh. If you are one of these that have done that to me, no worries, you were forgiven long ago. And where has my wonderful husband been in all of this? Rubbing my back when I puke, sleeping on the couch so his snoring does not keep me from what little good sleep I get, going to the store about every other day, and holding me when I have a meltdown and don't think I can continue day after day feeling like I have the flu. For those of you that did not know, he is the bomb.com.

So, what else has gone on in "The crazy normalcy that is my life"? Welp, we did go to Salt Lake City the last week in March. I would be lying if I said we had some big spiritual epiphany while we were there. But, it was good to spend the week catching up with some friends, sight seeing and just having time to get away from the big O. It was great to meet with our friends who are already there doing campus ministry and to hear their input and also provide clarity to them as far as what has been on our hearts and minds. And what has been on our hearts and minds? Well, alot. Michael is trying to figure out what he may want to do for the rest of his life. Finish school? Do ministry as a career? Have a "secular" career and minister within that? These are all the things we consider. God has definitely been teaching us patience in all of this. I often remind Michael he is still only 21 years old and does not have to know tomorrow how he wants to spend the next 60 years. I am confident God will reveal things to us in His timing, not ours. So in the mean time we wait, sometimes more patiently than other times. So, while our time in Salt Lake was wonderful and we do love the city and the people and the culture, we are unsure if we will end up there or not. We feel like it is a good possibility but farther down on our path. So, while we have not received direct answers, we have in some ways, which is no clarity for anyone else but it does seem to be for us, lol. So, what we can do at this point is continue to seek God and do our best to be patient. I can only support my husband to the best of my ability and build him up when he is doubtful. He does the same for me so it works out well. Now I am just sort of rambling but I did not want the blogspot world to think we had died. So, I will leave you with the usual...

That's whats up...for now.